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gone..

2005-11-01T07:27:00.000-08:00

We, as Matthew's brothers, would like to inform you that Matthew passed away.
He died at the beginning of the summer.
He just couldn't take it anymore.

We miss you brother, we miss you.

I'd love to believe

2005-05-02T06:40:00.000-07:00

I'd love to believe
There's something more then only pain
But my heart says there ain't more
Just pain
That's what you get for all your life's work
I'd love to know when all this is over
Cause I can't stand it anymore

I don't know about you
Maybe I'm just no all that strong
As people want me to believe I am
Cause just ending all this
It sounds so easy and right

I'd love to feel alright
Even if it's only just this one time
I don't know anymore
No pain
What's that like I don't know anymore
It's been so long since I had
That feeling of being alright

I don't know about you
But maybe it has just been to long
To be able to climb up this time
Maybe I can't, just can't
Even though everyone says

One day you'll be allright
One day you'll be able to smile again
You just need to see that live is full of surprises
And people that care about you
One day you'll wake up
Happy and thankful for another day you got
But I just don't feel it right now
And I don't know if I ever will

Mom, dad, Thad I mis you more then you will ever know.

It's been a while

2005-04-27T05:58:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last wrote something here.
I don't really have anything new to tell you.
Life's about the same, except that it became worse, worse then a month ago for example.
I really don't know how to handle with everything anymore.

People say, be positive, look around you at the people that love you and want you to be okey. Look at what you're doing already with school and stuff. The future will be better, you will find a (new) balance again. Look at what the future holds for you.

Truth is, I just don't know if I can do all that, I don't know if I can hold on.
I've come to a point from wich I don't know if I can.. come back or hold on to this world.

Saturday, Queensday, meaning the whole country is dressed in orange, and the flag: red, white & blue. All using it as an opportunity to get drunk and party all night.
I'm just gonna lock myself up in my room saturday. I don't need to see it.
For everyone else: have fun!

Matthew

this sucks

2005-04-07T11:41:00.000-07:00

O man, this hurts.
I don't know if I can hold on much longer. Can I?
Why should I?
I mean I don't want to leave my brothers alone and stuf.
But d*** this is just so hard.
I've fallen low enough, I don't know if I can crawl up once again.

Matthew

Down

2005-03-24T05:38:00.000-08:00

This is a songtext I found on the web a while ago.

I thought I heard you making the coals
Underneath a lonely man's soles
Why can't you just let it all go
Then I start to go down

I heard him say life is a joke
His life burnt like acid rain smoke
Why can't you love what you don't know
Then I start to go

Down, down, down
Way too low
I start to go
Down, down, down
You can't pull up anymore
Once you've gone down
Down, down, down, down

I heard me say, what it's worth
You just get pain for all your life's work
I'll just crawl into my black hole
Then I, start to go

Down, down, down
Way too low I start to go
Down, down, down
You can't pull up anymore
Once you've gone down

My Superman's all covered in rust
All of my dreams gone bust
This time I've fallen down,
Stuck in this rut
Maybe I'll try falling up
'Cause I've fallen far enough
I start to go

Down, down, down
Way too low I start to go
Down, down, down
I can't pull up anymore
I start to go down down down
You can't pull up anymore
Once you've gone down

letter to...

2005-03-10T13:20:00.000-08:00

Hello mom, hi dad

How are you now
Have you found each otter again
Where are you
In some place we like to call heaven
Or is there no such place

If there is
Are you looking at us
Right now, sometimes, all the time
What do you think
Or don't you want to look
Or is there no such possibility
Where you are now

Do you still remember me
Do you still remember my brothers
Or does your life not involve us anymore
I'm dying to know where you are now
All these questions
I'd want to ask you
Things I'd show you
If you were around

Maybe you still see them
Maybe you still hear my questions
Maybe you do know of my worries
The pain that I feel
My wish to be with you
Torn apart between wanting to be
With you and not want to leave my brothers

All this pain all the time
I don't know how long I can handle it
One more walk with you
One more talk
One more hug
One more smile
One more...
But it's not possible
Not anymore

Is there ever gonna be a time
In wich I can smile
Won't feel so desperate and hurt
When the future doesn't look so black
A time I won't feel so depressed
When does this suffering end
When is it finally gonna be my time
Why does tragedy keep striking me

I don't want to look selfish
It's just how I feel
Alone, scared, sad
Scattered in a thousand pieces
Everytime something else happens
Am I ever gonna be allowed
To have some good luck
Instead of bad fortune

When is it my time to smile
I wonder sometimes
Is there gonna be a time for me?

Mom I miss you so much
Dad I miss you so much
You know I love you
Will never forget you
Just felt like I should tell you
One more time

~Matthew

I know, it's been awhile...

2005-02-24T09:31:00.000-08:00

So what to say, what to say... School sucks. Yes.

School sucks!

It's not really school's fault... None it's really the fault of anyone who works/goes to school there..
It's just that... Damn, I've never had so much resistance against going somewhere.
I feel like doing nothing except for send a mail once in a while and check achterderegenboog.
I mail a lot with a girl I met on that site... She makes me think about stuff and well, I like 'talking' to her.

I still feel awfull... As if there's no point to live. It's definitely one of my darkest periods ever.
Why does a human being have so deep feelings anyway? What's the point.. I mean it's not like feelings are bad, but why are we able to feel so miserable?
What's the point?
It's that I've still got my brothers.. and that site where I can talk about everything without getting weird looks, or I surely wouldn't have been on this world anymore. That I know for sure.

Matthew

school...

2005-02-15T10:39:00.000-08:00

Pffff.... That have been 2 especially tiring days.
I went to school this week, for the first time this year. A new school since my brothers and I moved. My younger brother went there already the week before last weeks holiday. So he kinda saved me the trouble of having to tell that my parents died and that's why I moved and now go to this school. Already the 2nd day they figured out that we're brothers. At least I won't have to avoid the object so I won't have to tell them, or having to say it myself.
But I'll make sure they won't find out anything else. What happened when the last school found out I do not want to see repeated.
But those 2 days at school were very... tiring. Of course new nightmares, this time about this school finding out about everything, didn't help much either.
I shouldn't be so exhausted after two lousy days. I'm 17, not 71. But I am.... It just sucks.
I know I'll have to go back to school some time, so that's why I agreed to go this week, but I'd rather stay in my room for the rest of at least this year.. O well, that's not something that's going to be a possibillity. What's the purpose of going to school if I'm not going to be able to pay attention to the lessons anyway and spend all my energy on just being there and not run away.
But, at least it makes my brothers somehow happy that I'm going to school again.
That's something.

hmmmm

2005-02-09T14:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the new banner doesn't work! Am I the only one with that problem? Can you see it?
Please let me know! Greets,

Matthew

*Update

I found what the problem is and fixed it.
I stored the banner on someone's website, so I could link to it in The Template of my blog, the html part.
But! The website that I put it on is sometimes 'unavailable for viewing' because to many people look at it in a to short time.
That means that the host of this (free) website (geocities) makes acces to the site unavailable for a while. Wich means, if that is the case, you can also not see the banner on my blog!
Therefore I made a free website on geocities to store this banner on only. I'm pretty sure that 'website' will never get to many visitors in a to short amount of time.
*pfew* I was afraid I wouldn't be able to put it up after all...

2005-02-09T14:44:00.000-08:00

kopfotos.web-log.nl/ - Check it out! For all your banners/kopfoto's!

Kopfoto / banner

2005-02-09T14:32:00.000-08:00

Kijk!
Een heuze kopfoto voor boven mijn blog! Hij is echt wow!
De teksten die er bij staan komen uit deze song: The Walk.
Hij is écht te gek. Veeel beter dan die saaie standaard tekst toch?
Het was nogal een gepruts met de template, oftewel de html, maar het is gelukt, hij staat er op!
Ik ben helemaal gelukkig met em.

Links voor al uw kopfoto's: kopfotos.web-log.nl Check it out!

Heel erg bedankt bij deze! Groeten,

Matthew

----------------------

Look!
I've got a real banner to make my blog more beautiful.
He's really very cool! The lyrics are from this song: The Walk.
Much better then the standard text blogspot wants you to write down for that space right?

Much thanks to kopfotos.web-log.nl for making this cool banner. (Check it out!)

I'm really totally happy with it.
I had some trouble getting it on my blog without problems, but I have it on now.
Thanks a lot! Greets,

Matthew

Carnaval

2005-02-08T06:47:00.000-08:00

Today is the last day of carnaval. At least here, in The Netherlands (TN).

I haven't celebrated it once. This because when I was younger and lived in TN, I lived in a town where they didn't celebrate it.
Then, when I was about 8 my parents, my brothers and I started moving around the world, so I didn't celebrate it then either.
Now, last 2 years, I lived in a town in NT where they do celebrate it, but I haven't.
This year I could celebrate it if I wanted to, but I don't feel like it now, for obvious reasons.
I have seen a carnavalsparade once and I've celebrated Halloween a couple times, but that's as close as I've ever come to it.
Anyone celebrated carnaval this year? I'm curious.

Matthew

nightmares 2

2005-02-06T15:39:00.000-08:00

Last nights I dreamed about losing everyone and being all alone.
This particular nightmare seems hard to beat. It keeps coming back. I do have a lot of nightmares lately, but they aren't usualy exactly the same.
Also, when I wake up from this nightmare I'm usually screaming, wedged between my bed and the desk, or being shook awake by my brother.
And when I do wake up I usualy don't get that I was dreaming right away. Realisation that it was all a bad dream and thankfully not entirely true comes slow.
I've seen my younger brother like that once and it was scary.
So, I have the option of not sleeping tonight or go to sleep and have some nightmares wich are truly horrifying. To bad you can't live without sleeping, cus if I could I so would skip that.
I prefer staying awake over falling asleep but sometimes you just can't help yourself..

Matthew

I couldn't say it...

2005-02-04T08:08:00.000-08:00

so I wrote it down.
Went to school yesterday, to talk.. The problem is that I can't talk to strangers, not about those things. I just can't. So I wrote it down and let them read it.
We talked a little bit about it after they read it. Wich still caused me to have some sort of breakdown. D*mn, that was hard. But I must say they reacted very great.
I'm gonna go back to school after the holidays. Already afraid of it.

New school, new people, what do I say, what do I not say, about well, everything that happened.
I've already decided that I'm not gonna tell them about everything that happened, but I will have to tell them sometime that I don't have parents. If the question comes up, I'm not gonna lie. But maybe I won't have to tell them myself, cus I'm sure that my "fostersisters" will say something. Or my brother, cause he's been to school this week already.
I just know that I'm not gonna be able to pay attention to anything the teachers are gonna say, but okey. These days coming home from the grocery store without having forgotten half of what I should have gotten is uncommon already.

I just don't know how I'm gonna face all these people at school. I'm not normal, I'm not the 'happy carefree, doesn't care about anything but going out and wich biggest problem is a pimple on their face 17 year old". Not that I think they're wrong or anything, but it's just that I'm not like that..
I don't care about that kinda stuff and being different is never good (in teenager eyes). I'm not gonna be able to act happy or anything. Cause if there's something I'm not, it's happy.

Matthew

Meet Red Bull Matthew!

2005-01-30T18:29:00.000-08:00

Look what drinking Red Bull can do! I really do need a haircut...

Meeting people

2005-01-30T05:52:00.000-08:00

(This also happened years ago... I'm almost 18 now)

This is the 2nd week starting already. I've become much more dirty and hungry then I've ever been. Cause I don't have all that much money on my bankaccount anymore, so I want to save it for emergencies ya know.
Wich makes me needing to beg for money or steal it. I'm way to much of an coward to steal. And, not unimportant, I would probably be catched the first time and I don't want to be send home that soon... So I sat down on a busy street where I've seen many people beg for money. At first I was standing and trying to get peoples attention. Well trying, cause I'm way to shy to be really protrusive. After hours of collecting only one dollar I get a little pissed and sit down.

Aren't you a little young to be on the streets by yourself? a man asks. Here, have some of my money! he says trying to shove a few dollar billets in my hand.

No, no, it's okey, I say. You need it yourself, I can't take it.
He, like me, definitely also sleeps on the streets.

No, It's okey. I've got more money then you. Just go get some mc donalds and bring me some too.

Well, I say.

You're awfully thin, you should get some food, he cuts in.

Alright then, I say and stand up to go get some food.

Why would he trust me with his money? I ask myself. I'm sure he knows I could have just run of and never see him again. I've safely put it in my pockets and keep my hand there to be sure no one thinks of trying to steal it. I buy two medium meals and return to where the man found me.
But he's gone. I frown. I guess this is his way of making me take his money without to much struggle. I sit down and eat one of the meals.

I guess Stripes decided to do a good deed again? a boy around my age says motioning towards the food.

Yeah, I say, getting up. I guess.

I saw him giving you some money and after you left, he left too, the boy says. He's like that. If he feels like it, he's a very nice man. You can trust him.

That's great, I guess. Want some? I say holding up the second bag.

I wouldn't say no to that, he says. I hand him the bag and he takes out the fries and the coke. Here, keep the hamburger for tomorrow. Thanks man. I'm Thad, by the way. What's your name?

I'm Matthew, I say deciding to trust him and see what consequences that has later.

You're not on the streets for very long right? he says sipping on the cola.

No, I say. Why'd you think so?

I just can see that you're a beginner, he says. I've been on the streets for years already.

So, if you think you can trust me, I can show you around and learn ya some tricks? Thad says.

I gues so, I say. My feeling says I can trust him. And if it's wrong... We'll deal with that later.

Come on then, he says walking down the street.

I follow him. So.. for how long have you been on the streets then, I ask him.

About.... 7 years now. I was 8 when I ranaway and I just turned 15.

Okey, I say. Happy birthday then. I'm 14, I say.

Sick and tired of everything little rant 'n rave post

2005-01-26T14:36:00.000-08:00

Here it goes:

I officially don't like this world anymore.
All those advices, like 'look at bright side of live', you've still got your brothers, they don't want to lose you, 'you've got to keep going', 'the world doesn't stop spinning', it's you that decides what you do with your los' 'talk, talk, talk' and so on...
Might all be true, but I don't want to be responsible for once.
I'm just mad, angry, sad, why? Why did all this happen to me? And then again? Why did I had to lose my mother too, haven't I had enough to deal with already?
I feel like kicking, screaming, crying, hitting, smashing something in pieces all at once. However it won't make me feel good. Might be releaving for a while, but that won't last to long.
I don't know where to go with my feelings anymore, I'm so full of.... I don't know.
I just hate this world. I feel like I'm going crazy and I don't know what to do anymore.

Will someone please tell me where my on/of button to my feelings is exactly?

Why do you get thrown in this world anyway, when all it turns out to be is a life full of shit and losing everyone you love, one by one? What is the purpose for living if live keeps throwing pain at you no matter what you've been trough already?
I feel like I'm dying inside, slowly, but surely...

Matthew

The runaway chapter

2005-01-25T15:15:00.000-08:00

(*small note to everyone, this is not fiction. It's inspired by my life so far, so it's non-fictional) (also this happened years ago)

What to take with me, what do I need…
Socks, underwear, a lot of those. Another pair of jeans, 3 t-shirts, a sweater cause nights are cold, even in the summer. Ah! Toilet acessories like a toothbrush, shampoo and a brush! And… A towel. Would there be books about what you should take with you when you want to run away? Probably not. I frown. I throw my wallet and my notebook along with some ballpoints in too. It can’t get to heavy. But I need my discman and cd’s along with loads of cd’s. I take the cd’s out, steal my brothers cdholder and stuff al the cd’s in.
Would that be everything? I put my sunglasses and a cap on and sit down on my bed one more time. No hesitating now Matthew, I say to myself. You’ve made your decision. I take my bag and walk downstairs. I make a pit stop in the kitchen and much away on a few donuts. I throw some more food in my bag, put on my jacket and walk out of the house.
They shouldn’t be missing me until this evening so they won’t find my note any earlier.
A ten minute walk later I bought a ticket to bring me some closer to my destiny.
I sit down and wait for the bus that could arrive any minute now. I feel like everything can see that I’m a runaway. Like it’s written on my forehead. It really makes me nervous, but I gotta stop looking around like this. They’re gonna think I’ve done something illegal otherwise.
When the bus arrives I take a spot in the back of the bus. Everything looks so weird now that I’m seeing it for the last time. Somehow familiar, like every time we moved. But this feels… different. Much different. I don’t feel bad I’ve done this. At home I would soon have gone completely crazy. They’ll just have one less persons stuff to move next time dad gets a new job in some strange country like Uruguay or to faraway country or something.
It’s not like I’m leaving much more behind. It’s not like I had friends here. I sigh.
I notice a women looking at me when we’re out of the city. Probably wondering why a 14 year old is taking a bus like this one alone. Well, maybe not, but I don’t care. I close my eyes and fall asleep.

Hey boy! Unless you want to go back you hafta get out now! It’s the last stop.

I open my eyes and see the busdriver standing over me.

O sorry, thanks for waking me up, I say.

I stand up, grab my bag and walk outside. I look around and spot the busstation. I look at my watch and notice I must have slept for at least a hour or 4! Wow, that’s long. I guess all those sleepless nights wanted something back.
I walk over to the busstation and take a look at the pricelist. I don’t have that much money. I’ll need to get something out of my bankaccount. I might just get everything of the account, I don’t want em knowing where I’ve gone too. Ah, no, whatever. They’ll know where I’ll go anyway. I take enough money to buy another busticket and a little bit more so I can cut my hair. It’s not like I won’t be just one of the bazillion other streetkids there. But a new haircut might still be a good idea.
So that’s what I do. I buy a new busticket, for tomorrow. I then try to decide which way is towards the centre of the city. I follow the signs and after a little while I’m in what looks like the centre. The first hairdressers are way to expensive. After almost a hour I find one that doesn’t look to shabby and is fairly cheap as well. So I walk inside.

Sit down boy, I’ll help ya in a minute, a man says.

Alright, I say and sit down.

A couple minute later he comes back and points to a hairdressers chair.

Sit down. What do you want with your hair? You don’t have an appointment right?

No, I haven’t, I say. I want everything of and in a coupe that doesn’t need cutting to often.

Alright, he says. What do you think about this? He says showing me a picture.

It’s alright, except if you could make it even shorter it would be even better.

Will do! he says.

About 20 minutes a lot of money and some chit chat later I’ve got a complete new head. I sure look like someone else.

Thanks a lot! I say before I leave the store.

It’s alright, he says before turning to someone else.

I’ve run out of ideas to do and therefore start searching for a place to sleep. Would there be a lot of streetkids? I bet there are enough people sleeping on the streets even here, but kids… I don’t know. A good hour later I finally find something that looks like it could be a place to sleep. And old house, clearly ready to be demolished any time soon, except it probably will stay like this for at least some more years. I don’t mind. When it looks like there’s no one looking I struggle past some bushes try to not cut myself on the shattered glass in the window and on the floor and hop into the house. It definitely hasn’t seen a person for a long time. Everything is covered in a thick layer of dust. I check out the higher floor and decide that I might have less competition with other people who are looking for a free hotel on the first floor. I notice that it’s already 10 o’clock and eat a battered banana and some biscuits.
I get some dust of the floor and lye down with my bag as a pillow. About two hours later I fall asleep.

Around 6 in the morning I wake up stiff and cold. Where am I? O yeah, right. Not at home anymore. I put a brush trough my very short hair, rub the sleep out of my eyes, throw on some deo and walk downstairs and outside. It’s very quiet, since most people will be asleep for at least a hour, or two. I nod at a paperboy and get myself some breakfast. Another battered banana, a bottle of orange juice and a donut.
I find the way back to the busstation myself after losing my way a couple times and wander around the area, waiting for the bus to come. It won’t go earlier then at 10 minutes past 9, so I’ve got some waiting to do. I notice a paper lying under a bench so I go over there to pick it up. Might be an old one, but at least it gives me something to do. When I’ve read the entire paper the bus shows up and I throw it in a litter. I walk towards the bus to find out that the driver goes away to have a coffee first and won’t open it for at least another half hour. So I sit down and do nothing for half a hour. I then flash my ticket get in the back and do some more eyeshutting. A couple hours later I wake up and find myself to be almost at my destination.
I swallow when the bus comes to a halt and stand up, gather my stuff and get out of the bus.

Welcome to your new life Matthew, I whisper to myself.

I walk in the direction of where most people are going and look around. This town will be my new home from now on. I put my jacket in my bag because it already got hot. I put my sunglasses on and let the people lead me to wherever they are going.

stomach flu how much I hate you

2005-01-23T10:30:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm just gonna tell you how much I hate the stomach flu. Of course I hate it!
You spend half the day puking above the toilet and spend the other half of the day sleeping or feeling miserable. So that's what I'm doing at the moment.

The stomachflu is going around in The Netherlands and at the moment I get everything that goes around. So I'm lucky again. *grrr*

The sad part is that my older brother and I had to convince my younger brother that I'm not gonna die, that it's just the stomachflu and that in a couple days I'll be fine. The boy is terrified that he's gonna lose me too, after he lost his parents as well.

There are more people sick in the house. Another child that lives in this crisis foster family, the 12 year old boy, has the stomach flu too. So I'm assuming he got it from me, or I got it from him, dunno.

And to top it of, our fosterdad hasn't done anything about a cystitisch (or whatever you write that, I mean problems with the bladder). So it go so worse that he's at the moment living in the bathroom, literally. He's even getting his food there. So you can imagine that the rest of the house is going nuts, with two people running to the toilet to puke every couple hours and a bathroom you can't use because our fosterdad has literally not left it once for the last 2 days.

Craziness! I'm going back to bed now, will write some more later.

Our memories

2005-01-16T13:05:00.000-08:00

Our memories

Our memories
They keep playing tricks
Making you realize all you can do
Is hold on to those who care
Yet I ask how many will be there
In times of pain and distress
You don’t know

You don’t know
Until you’ve been there
Made it trough alive
Alive

Our memories
They keep playing tricks
Remembering only what’s good
Or what’s not, tricks, tricks
People don’t know, don’t know
How to react when you’re
Really hurt

You don’t know
Until you’ve been there
Made it trough alive
Alive

Sometimes it feels
As if live is nothing but pain
As if there’s nothing left to live for but the memory
Of those who once lived but not anymore
You gotta remember that’s not what they’d want
For you to hurt so much
Go on with you life and remember me
As you used to know me, a little crazy
But full of love for you

I’d like it if I could
But I can’t pretend like
Nothing’s wrong, no one is gone
I know there’s much to life for
Yet it feels like there’s none
It hurts so much
Burning pain

You don’t know
Until you’ve been there
Made it trough alive
Alive

Alive
Alive

moved - new life

2005-01-15T09:20:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I, no we, moved out of our old house to our new house. The crisis foster family. Yesterday we moved most of the stuff here and today we've got most packed out and on it's new place.

It's weird, cause well it's a completely strange environment and people.
And it's sad cause it marks a new milestone in history for us, it makes it some more official that mom is really dead and that a new life is starting for us.
At least we're gonna be together for a while - mostly it takes about half a year before you go to a 'normal' fosterfamily.

And my older brother won't get a room that easy, so he's gonna live here for a while too. Maybe trough people we know and people they know and so on he can get a room at the end of february.
My younger brother and I share a room. My older brother has his own room wich I'll get when he moves out.

There are 3 other kids in the house, 2 girls of about 14 years old and a boy who is 12 years old. None are our fosterparents real children. Al have their own history and tragic stories. None without issues or problems.

I can't understand how these people are doing this, having so many fosterchildren all the time, in half a year their get to live about 15 different children. I would go crazy in no time. Aplausse for them for willing to do such a difficult task.
Those fosterparents seem nice, but they just remind me some more about something we don't have anymore: or real parents. And D*MN it hurts. :-(

Matthew

disgusting thoughts on some forums

2005-01-13T04:12:00.000-08:00

I recently acidently landed on a site, forum.marokkanen.nl or something like that, and I was kinda shocked by what they were saying. You've heard about it, but when you see it yourself you can only think: O. My. God.

Things like:
(on gay people)
My children don't know that word
I will save that for later.
Later they will learn that homo is the same as death, rejection, corruption , aids , childabuse, infertility and shamelessnes.

The jewish aversion crawls where it can't go.
Dead to the pedofile! Death to the homo! Dead to the Jewish people!

Unbelievable. Shakes head. How can somebody be so narrow, so full of this kind of hatefull, abhorent thoughts? It's disgusting.

(note that I don't say all Maroccan and Turkish people say these things. I know a lot of them and they are all completely against the kind of stuf stated above.
But it's sad that obviously some of them do...)

Matthew

crisis foster family

2005-01-12T13:35:00.000-08:00

Yep. It's official. This week, friday, we're going to a crisis foster family.

Crisis, wich means that we're supposed to be 'gone' to a 'normal' fosterfamily asap.
But soon is extendible, because usually it takes at least half a year before you get 'transferred' to a 'normal' fosterfamily.

That's a good thing I guess. Cause that means that we'll be together for at least half a year, right.

My older brother is also going to go with us, because he doesn't have a room yet. That will take some time, because it's hard to get a studentroom in the larger cities.
We're advised to now already register for a room from SSH (social student housevesting) because it takes at least 2 years before you're high enough on the list to start visiting houses, in hopes of being the one that gets choosen by the students that already live there, to get the room that's free.

Still I'd rather stay in our old house, together, without adults. But I know of course that's not a possibility.

Matthew

Dutch Bloggies 2004

2005-01-11T04:06:00.000-08:00

Vijfde keer 'Dutch Bloggies'

Uitgegeven: 11 januari 2005 08:47 AMSTERDAM
-Op 26 februari 2005 worden voor de vijfde keer op rij de 'Dutch Bloggies' uitgereikt aan de beste Nederlandse webloggers. De openbare nominatieronde is 1 januari van start gegaan en iedereen kan zijn nominaties invullen.
De uitreiking van de 'Dutch Bloggies' wordt georganiseerd door About:Blank, het e-zine voor en door webloggers, en is het Nederlandse equivalent van de internationale 'Bloggies'.

Steeds meer bedrijven maken gebruik van een weblog op hun website. Dit jaar kunnen bedrijven voor het eerst een categorie van de 'Dutch Bloggies' sponsoren:
'Beste Web-log' en
'Beste Company Weblog'
worden respectievelijk gesponsord door Web-log.nl en Lost Boys.

"Lost Boys wil met de categorie 'Best Company Weblog' deze vorm van digitale communicatie stimuleren en bedrijven uitdagen deze (interactieve) vormen van communiceren in te zetten", aldus Roderik de Maar van Lost Boys.

Tot 15 januari mag iedereen haar favoriete weblogs nomineren. Daarna stelt een kleinere jury een shortlist vast. Van 1 tot 15 februari kan opnieuw door iedereen worden gestemd, waarna op 26 februari de prijsuitreiking volgt in het Museum van Communicatie in Den Haag.

Vorig jaar was de weblog Geenstijl de grote winnaar van de weblogverkiezing. De weblog won maar liefst negen awards van de 22 prijzen, waaronder de 'Beste collectieve weblog', 'Best geschreven content' en 'Meest originele content'.

So many memories coming back to drown me all at once

2005-01-10T11:23:00.000-08:00

There's a lot of stuff I thought I'd dealt with by now. So many things I thought didn't hurt me not so much anymore. But I just find out I'm wrong about it. Especially since after the funeral...
Today it's a week since my mom's funeral.
I'm just gonna go list all these things that are bothering. I need to get it out somehow.

I must admit to myself that I am still a bit mad at my dad for beating me, while hé couldn't cope with the fact he was going to die. He told my mom that he had cancer when she found out he was beating me and needed the cops to get him of me... But since then I was scared to death for him. I only made up with him when he was dying..
I still wear the scars of that, wich is why I don't like to go to the beach, cus I have the idea everybody is staring at me and knows where they are from.Wich is nonsense probably, but I still don't like it.
The 11 november attack, wich I never talked about later on anymore, but I was there in New York, and it did do me a lot. Thankfully I lost nobody because of it, but it still shocked me a lot.
The time, when I was living on the streets, and my best friend died because of a petty fight we got in by accident. I still see him dying in my arms, I so wanted to do something but I couldn't! I couldn't! I'd so taken his place if I could have done it. And everything else I saw. I haunts me in my dreams.
The time we allmost freezed to death, the fights, the murders, the drugsdealers, the schizofrenic, the drunk, the fight seekers... And so on.
The time I myself was addicted to drugs. And most difficult to talk about, the time I almost got raped, wich caused me to lose my last bit of trust in other human beings, except for my brothers and mom.
When someone at school told everything so in notime the whole school knew about everything, wich made school hell.

I thought I'd dealt with most of it, or at least feel okey about it, but now, it all comes back full force.
It just sucks. It just f****** hurts right now!

Matthew

Almost a week

2005-01-09T01:48:00.000-08:00

It's almost a week since my mom's funeral.... Tomorrow would be exactly a week.
D*mn this sucks.. Miss you so much mom!

Wednesday my brother is going to Utrecht, to try and get a studentroom. I so hope he will get the room, but usually it doesn't go this easy. Maybe trough friends and other people we know he can get a room, because he really needs one. He's not going to talk about our parents unless otherwise he'll be forced to lie. It's going to be a tough evening.

I feel so.... I don't know, weird maybe. Bad defenitely. Especially yesterday was a bad day. Nightmares troughout the whole night, at day I couldn't keep any food inside.
I don't hope it will become once again like the week before the funeral, cause I can't handle one more week of no sleep and puking. But a body has it's limits, it can't reject sleep and food forever so I've got hopes it will give in.

The Walk..... now playing.....It can still make me cry...

Matthew

Lyric - my nan's song / Robbie Williams

2005-01-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

It has it's own meaning for me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My nan’s song – Robbie Williams

You said when you'd die that you'd walk with me every day
And I'd start to cry and say please don't talk that way
With the blink of an eye the Lord came and asked you to meet
You went to a better place but
He stole you away from me

And now she lives in heaven
But I know they let her out
To take care of me

There's a strange kind of light
Caressing me tonight
Pray silence my fear she is near
Bringing heaven down here

I miss your love I miss your touch
But I'm feeling you every day
And I can almost hear you say
'You've come a long way baby'

And now you live in heaven
But I know they let you out
To take care of me

There's a strange kind of light
In my bedroom tonight
Pray silence my fear she is near
Bring your heaven down here

You taught me kings and queens
While stroking my hair
In my darkest hour
I know you are there
Kneeling down beside me
Whispering my prayer

Yes there's a strange kind of light
Caressing me tonight
Pray silence my fear
She is near
Bringing heaven down here

The next time that we meet
I will bow at her feet
And say wasn't life sweet
Then we'll prepare
To take heaven down there

2005-01-08T06:52:00.000-08:00

When I'm browsing the internet it's as if North America doesn't have streetchildren... Why don't they solve their own problems first? Winters in New York are gruwesome cold..

2005-01-08T06:51:00.000-08:00

A couple years ago I was one of them, except I lived on the streets of New York

Streetchildren

2005-01-08T06:15:00.000-08:00

When I was 14 I lived on the streets for half a year. I saw a lot there, things most people don't see in their entire live. I'ts a hard and difficult live. I thought I'd dealt with it by know, but lately I've been thinking a lot about that time again.
I still mis my best friend so much... He died there, in my arms. An accident, wich ended his 15 year old life. After 7 years on the streets, he got bad luck.
There are no or almost none facilities for streetchildren, even tough life is hard, dangerous and in the winters very cold.
I can't help but say: Why doesn't the USA solve their own problems first? Or at least try?
Will it ever change.

Matthew

Asia Seaquake

2005-01-07T07:58:00.000-08:00

I find it hard to look at the tv when they are showing all these pictures and movies about the seaquake. So many people lost their homes, so many people lost half their family or more.
It makes me shiver. Cry even. These last weeks it isn't difficult to make me cry.
It makes me think once more about everything I lost.

I think I might be the last one to have heard about the disaster.
I was in the hospital 26 december 2004, hoping my mother wouldn't die.
I didn't really realize that it was Christmas at all. I didn't hear any news, until after tuesday, the day my mom did dye.
Doctors had said she would probably not make it to the end of the week, but we still hoped she would. But a week after she told us she has cancer she died. So quick.
Two years earlier also in december my dad died, also of cancer.
About a year before that, my best friend died. He got struck by a knife on the streets of New York, and died in my arms. He was my best friend even though I hadn't known him much longer then a couple months. He's the one who had kept me from killing myself twice. He's the one who kept me from killing myself after he died.

If Thad can live on the streets for 7 years and still be happy and so full of joy and life, I can do that too. In total I spent a half year on the streets before I went back to my family.
But I don't regret it. I really don't know what I'd have done if I'd stayed at home. And I met so many wonderful, beautiful and amazing people there.
Even though life on the streets is hard, very dangerous. It changed me a lot, of course. Maybe not all good things.
The internet is the only place I can really talk about these things. Other people I keep at a safe distance. The streets made me tougher, but also more breakable. It's full of opposites. Can you understand what I'm trying to say? Probably not, but that's okey. It's just so relieving for me to be able to write everythings that bothering away from me. I think that's something that most of you cán understand.

Mom,dad, we miss you so much. I'd so give up anything to get you back! *sighs once again*

Matthew

2005-01-06T14:59:00.000-08:00

text: The walk - Hanson

The Walk - best song ever

2005-01-06T13:54:00.000-08:00

Well deep in the woods
Where nothing is seen
A tightrope is strung to his heel
And high on the walk
He's down on one knee
He waits for the slow of the breeze
Oh, wow, look at him now, on his feet
High up in the sky
And every moment stands endlessly
It feels as though time isn't moving

And every second, one breath not to breathe
I watch as he moves to the beat
While I'm on the floor
I watch from my seat
And watch as he sways with the trees
And slowly he moves, but elegantly
I'm more on the edge of my seat

On the tightrope
Everything's bare
All that there is is from here to there
On the tightrope
The goal is quite clear
Don't lose yourself in your fear

Everyone waits on the walk
Some are long and some small
But all of them tall
Everyone must make a choice
Will I go for it all
And possibly fall
The tightrope is thin
I could possibly win on the walk

Well high on the walk
The tightrope it bends
And nobody knows where it ends
To win or to lose
You're all on your own
Everyone must be alone

On the tightrope
Everything's bare
All that there is is from here to there
On the tightrope
The goal is quite clear
Don't lose yourself in your fear
To win or to loose
You're all on your own
And everyone must be alone

On the tightrope
Everything’s bear
all that it is, is from here to there
On the tightrope
The goal is quite clear
Don't loose yourself in your
Fear...
Fear...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Walk - Hanson
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This song means a lot to me. Why? At the moment I'm having a hard time with a lot things... I've got my reasons to not feel very great. I found this song while I was just browsing internet for no specific reason. I inmedeatly was like wow, this is great!
It means a lot of different things to me, mostly I'm pretty sure the writer didn't mean while he was writing it, but I don't care about that. To me it does and that's what matters.

Matthew

photo's...

2005-01-06T13:27:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,

Yesterday I realised something. And it hit me hard.
I keep 2 pictures at my room, this is what they show:

1. My parents, my brothers and me. I'm 14 years old.

2. My mom, my brothers and me. I'm 16 years old.

And then I realised that since december 2004, this is what should be the next picture:

3. My brothers and me.

You might have guessed what this means and you might be right. I'll explain anyway.
The first picture shows how my family was, complete. Then my dad died of cancer.
Which explains my family after the funeral.
December 2004, my mom dies, also of cancer.
Wich explains how my family is now, just my brothers and myself.
It hit me hard. It was a real shock when I realised that's the new photo... Yes, I cried.
I just really hope that I won't get to live to far away from my brothers since we can't be placed in the same fosterfamily. My oldest brother is going to live on his own, so he has the stress of having to find a room real quick.

It's so f****** unfair. But it's reality for us. *sighs* Life sucks.

Matthew

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